X3 made me want to die.

May 27th, 2006

As some of you may know, i am a bit of a nerd. I’ve read X-men comics since i was seven or eight, and to be honest, i haven’t really stopped since. So when the first X-men movie was coming out, i was a bit skeptical, as i should have been. It just wasn’t that great, but at least it was not a total washout like The Hulk, or Fantastic Four. Then there was X2. Better than the first, was what most people agreed upon. X2 drew a pretty decent crowd and the plot was stronger, and Bryan Singer’s addition of the Phoenix Force was a pretty ballsy move. Then, well, Bryan Singer said “fuck it” and made Kevin Spacey into Lex Luthor. So some sleezeball director waltzes in, blows some coke, hires two of the worst writers ever, and slaps together an abomination of a film, X3: The Last Stand. The first 45 minutes were semi-promising. A few major deaths (which only held any water due to the shock value and the balls it took to kill off said characters), some new characters (Shadowcat and Colossus are major players) and more of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (or whatever her name is now) doing reptilian acrobatics, naked, covered in blue paint. But then it gets ugly. Main characters are brutally murdered, while plotlines are introduced, and then brushed aside almost instantaneously. The movie attempts to juggle many different plotlines with many different view points, which was indeed admirable, fucked it up so bad, that it was like storytelling with a rampant case of attention defeceit disorder. The major focal point is Wolverine’s love for Jean Grey, who rises from the dead to become this Omega-Mutant who just flips her shit and goes postal. The other is Magneto and his band of tattooed mutant punks with an attitude who somehow have no problem burtally murdering women and children. Then you get a shitty portrayal of Juggernaut, who spouts lines like, “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch” and we get to hear Pyro being a cocky prick for 90+ minutes. And just to talk about the writing for a second, shit, i have heard better dialouge in Skinemax flix and b-movie hardcore porn. Maybe i fell asleep while they explained that every character dumbed down to a fifth grade reading level, with some major social disorders, but regardless, the strength that the characters’ personalities had in X2 was completely obliterated. Unlike its predecessor, X3 managed to completely botch the uniting of this trilogy. By tearing down everything the first two movies built up, it was like watching a salmon flop around in the middle of a freeway, fucking pathetic. Without even delving into how badly this movie portrayed the comics, i can safely say that this film couldn’t even stand up to the universe the first two created.
I can’t say enough bad things. This movie was fucekd up in a myraid of ways and i think i’ve made it quite clear that after paying nine bucks to see it i wanted some retribution. I wanted Stan Lee to call me up and beg for my forgiveness. “Repent!” I’d scream into the reciever as the old man who created so many great superheros would be sobbing like a little girl. But instead i got a greasy stomach full of buttered popcorn and an odd sense of shame. I’m tempted to give away the entire plotline and ending but that’s fucking mean. Instead, i’ll tell you that you should save yr money and spend yr night doing something else, like beating yourself over the head with a wooden plank with a rusty nail jutting out of it, or just binge drinking until you throw up and pass out in an alley, it’s probably a better plan.

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