After leaving Louisville this morning, (which I have nothing much to say about, except for the fact that it is a soulless city with very little character and structure…not as bad as New Orleans, but nowhere near as good as Nashville…and nothing really transpired there barring some semi-botched curry, a shitty hippy band, and a great used book store), we arrived in Petersburg, Kentucky, home of the Creation Museum. Now, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Creationism, it is essentially the belief in history according to the bible. They do not believe in the Darwin’s theory of evolution and the earth is only 50, 000 years old or something. They also believe that the Loch Ness Monster is the last remaining dinosaur, or as the bible refers to it, the Leviathan. Anyway, this trip somehow was formed around the desire to see this museum, so i guess, in a way, this is was to be the penultimate chapter of this trip.Now, take all the knowledge and science you have acquired and understood in yr life, put it all in a basket, and set the basket on fire, because any sense of rationality or intelligence is useless when you go on a tour of the Creation Museum! Too go my tour, clck here. (This is the second time I’ve tried to write this. The first time i was almost done and the computer froze and deleted it all. I got real pissed and sat all stoic for a while. So if this sucks it’s because I spent all my energy the first go around. Enjoy!

WELCOME! This is my tour of the most absurd place on earth.The entrance to the Creation Museum is guarded by two Stegosaurus silhouettes, which essentially sets the tone of absurdity that seeps from the cracks in logic that cover the museum walls.

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Next, we come to front of the building where we get strange looks from the oafish security guards as we try to pay homage to our beloved giraffe.

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Hardcore creationists are few and far between, making their beliefs rocky and dubious, so the first thing the museum wants to stress is the clarity of creationism vs. that wacky rational thought that many of us heathens blasphemously follow.

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(gee, human reasoning looks awfully complicated, and what an awful lumpy mess! But God’s Word is just a nice easy to read straight line! It even has that highlighted gold line just to point out how fucking great it is. )

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(gosh, that pile of philosophical and scientific books looks awfully heavy. And it looks like it might toppel over…what a pain in the ass…i hate reading…But oh! that scroll is just one thing to carry. So much easier! I’ll blindly follow the ancient text scrawled on lamb skin, please.)

These wax children were fucking creepy. The boy looks awfully hung up and sad about the fact that he has been deprived of this information in a scholastic setting. And that girl is WAY too excited about this shit.

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According to Creationism, God put dinosaurs and man on the earth simultaneously. There were dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden, dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark and even up until “very recently”, there were dinosaurs roaming the earth. The innacuracies of these statements are staggering and unfounded, but like some bible-head archaeologist said on a video, “different views get you different starting points”, which basically means if you take a fantasy novel as history, yr gonna get an absurd contemporary world view. Plus, wouldn’t the dinosaurs have wrecked the humans?Insert  (1229_00_03_12.jpg)

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The museum has many informative panels that logically explain the presence of the world and its vast complexities. Who buys into this shit? Oh, right, religious zombies…

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(So rocks and minerals are just a form of God’s self-expression…and the earth is only 6,000 years old! Silly carbon dating! How wrong you were!)

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(Ahhh…i think i’m getting it…)

My favorite moment in the museum was where we got to see the Garden of Eden, which looks kind of like Snow White in the forest singing to her animal friends, when a little boy asks his mother, “Mommy! How come there are penguins? Don’t they live in the arctic?” and Mommy says, “Um…penguins live everywhere, sweetie!” i couldn’t contain myself and i sort of laughed right at her.

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Then the mood changed and there was THE FALL FROM GRACE! The fiery sword guarded the gate of Eden and Adam Eve got evicted like whoa. Shit totally went down.

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(they are really distraught about killing and skinning these deer)

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But by far the best section of the museum was an apocalyptic view of the (gasp!) present…a present that doesn’t live in bible-fantasy land. It’s like a little retarded blind girl tried to build a set from descriptions of a John Carpenter movie. It didn’t work so well. With shitty graffitti and magazine/newspaper clippings glued to the wall, this “expose” on modern familial dysfunction, drugs, pornography, teen pregnancy, and (gasp again!) homosexuality, is why the world is full of dumb fucking people.

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And what did we find at the very end?!

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what a fucking shocker!

There was a whole fourth of the museum dedicated to Noah’s flood, but we were so fucking annoyed and tired of the bullshit that Noah didn’t get any publicity from us. But essentially, Noah’s flood is a huge deal and its validity is not doubted in the least. Okay…I’m done trying to salvage an idea that was kind of shitty. I hope you enjoyed it. Take a look at the rest of the picture for even more Creationist lore, i mean, truth.

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